charlieware

Sun, 08 Apr 2007 15:26:01 GMT

Uhhr, Happy Easter, guys.

I guess we've all got some problems.

Wed, 04 Apr 2007 15:57:22 GMT

Oh, what a week it's been. Not good, not bad, so so? Anyways, my family is in from Ohio for the next couple of days and that's pretty cool, I guess. They're getting ready to go to Gatlinburg. I'd love to go, but I have to be at work at 2 o'clock. My cousin Spencer has grown a shit load. I hadn't seen him for about two years. I'd say he's grown atleast 2 feet or so, he's taller than I am. I love sitting with my family; Aunt Bobby has so many stories to tell about me and I love to hear them. I know that sounds self-centered, but I like to hear about stuff I don't remember. Well, sometimes, there are some things that kind of depressed me when I heard them. I don't remember it, but it kind of hurts to hear. Anyways, tomorrow's payday and I'm fucking ready for it. I have a buck-twenty-five in the bank right now and that's bad. I'm about to go walking with Joe, Megan and Meredith. I'm really happy for Joe, he's lost a lot of weight already.

I want a cigarette. Bad. But I'm not. I need to quit again and I will quit again. It's not hard to say no, but it's hard to talk yourself out of talking yourself into it, haha. My favorite excuse is when you talk yourself into it saying: I've done so well so far, I think I deserve one.

Ugh, everything can be so lame sometimes. Atleast I'm trying to be a friend? It's hard, but I think I'm doing a decent job. It's not like I'm making it a chore or anything. Eh, I know what I mean. It's hard for me not to feel bad about it even though I really shouldn't care at all. Stupid.

Well, time to get ready. It's going to be one lame day.

Sun, 01 Apr 2007 23:59:42 GMT

Booze and Charlie don't really mix all that well, but that's alright. Last night was pretty fun. Atleast what I can recall. I'm sure I made an ass out of myself, awesome. Mom called for me this morning. I really need to call her back but I'm not sure what to say to her. I mean, sure, I haven't talked to her in forever so you think I'd have something to say to her... but I don't. I really don't want to talk to her right now for some reason. I dunno, I'll consider doing it sometime tonight. It's been an odd day and I'm going to find something to do.

Sat, 31 Mar 2007 08:56:52 GMT

Jesus, I can't get to sleep. I'm jittery as fuck. I've been laying around my room all night listening to Kenny Wayne Shepherd. To be completely honest, I believe he's my favorite musician ever. Yes, Glassjaw has been replaced. Wow, I never thought I'd say that. Which is seriously a big deal, considering Glassjaw has been my favorite band for almost 7 years. Well, anyways, I obviously can't sleep. I guess I have things on my mind. Nothing depressing, just things. I'm pretty excited about tonight. I know I'll have a good time. Talked to an old friend tonight for a while, it was pretty awesome. It's a shame that I've parted ways with so many incredible people, but we all have our own busy lives and we're all self-absorbed. I guess it's just human nature. I've never been nervous while hugging someone before until tonight. It was seriously strange, it was just a hug, right? Considering the person I guess I had a reason to be nervous, lol. I'm crazy as fuck sometimes. It's a wonder they're going to give me a rifle, haha. I have two months left before I go to basic. The time is flyin'. I'm excited and nervous at the same time. It's going to be rough as Hell, but I'm going to gain so much from it. Also, on a brighter note I'll come back in shape and I'm sure I'll have a nice tan, haha. I'll tan or my skin will melt off. I can only imagine how hot it's going to be outside. Georgia. June. Damn. I decided to write this after my third attempt of sleep. My alarm clock has already went off for the time I was wanting to wake up, but I seriously need some sleep. I have a looooong night ahead of me. ;-) Family from Ohio is coming in Friday and I'm pretty happy about that. My cousin Spencer is coming with them and I haven't seen him in years. He's only 13 or 14 and he's already 6'2'' or 6'3''. I know he's going to try and fight me (playfully). I can't wait to knock him on his ass. Well, I'm really on here just killing time because no one worth a fuck is online and I'm bored out of my mind.

I'm having a "Charlie, Try Not To Get Shot" going away get together sometime in May, you assholes better come. There won't be any drinking or anything, just a cookout or something.

(Can't wait until I'm dictator of the army k thx u!)

Edit: OH, AND FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW - I shaved my beard and it's kind of a big deal. I've had the same beard for three years.

Cry, baby cry...

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 05:17:04 GMT

I hear what you say. ~~You used to have a good man, baby, but you threw it all away.~~

No, you didn't.

~~What a way to end things, don't you think? I'm sure you do. I pray to God you don't regret it.~~

As above, so below.

Wed, 28 Mar 2007 04:16:58 GMT

I'm just counting the time - a little more than two months. I'm bored. 300 was an excellent movie, really. Lady luck is by my side right now, which probably means I'll be catching a bullet in my chest sometime next year. The weekend was pretty decent. We had a party at Rocky's, but I stayed sober. I think we're having another one this weekendddddd, which owns. I think I'm going to invite a certain someone, lol. ;-) I'm so ready for tomorrow. Hopefully things will turn out the way I want them to. Hopefully I can also get my window fixed, it'd be nice. I'm also going walking with Megan, Meredith, and Jesse at noon. I need to start losing more weight, I need to stop being lazy and stop using depression as an excuse.

I'm tired of people. I'm tired of idiots. Some people just never learn, but that's really not my problem. I don't know why I thought I should. I've also kind of lost a friend today, but that's not my problem either.

Oh, and.........

(My little sister, Jasmine)

New fourwheeler, k thxiez.

You won't believe what I'm about to do. =o

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 05:54:42 GMT

Life has never been sweeter. I don't have anything else to say besides thattttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt. It's crazy how life can flip itself around like that, lol.

There is more to living than being alive. (Anberlin)

Sun, 04 Mar 2007 10:15:35 GMT

Nights like these make you reevaluate your entire life. We all have troubles, and we all feel like nobody will understand.   They do, for the most part... to a certain extent. No one else has lived your (or my) life, no one else has been in our shoes completely. If they tried them on for a day, it would leave their feet blistered.

It's sad to think that it took the splattering of my best friend's blood on my jeans to realize how much they all mean to me.   I guess I've taken them for granted, and that's God damned stupid. My priorities are shuffled into a big mix and I need to sort them out. I'm shutting dad out of my life. I'm not spending much time with him; as much time as I should before I leave. It's funny to think that, because he's a big part of the reason I'm leaving. I'll never understand the human condition and I don't think I really want to.

Even though the night erupted into chaos, the result was something we all needed.   We all needed reality checks. There are so many of 'life's lessons' that contradict themselves, and it's no wonder everyone is confused.

Life is what you make it.
It's not about what you had, it's about what you have.
How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.
If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change.
Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile.
To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.

There are too many to try and remember. I'm not sure who said all of these things, I know there is one from Buddha and Albert Einstein. I'm sure the people who spoke the words could care less about the credit, but I'm sure they do care that their words are taken to heart.

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.

Robert Frost. I cannot stress that line enough. Feeling sorry for yourself and dwelling in the past is only going to keep you in the past. I don't know about all of you, but I don't want to be in the past 5 years from now. It might sound crazy to you guys, but I know what I'm talking about.

Don't reach keep reaching out for something that doesn't want to be held by you. You'll be wasting your time. Good old Ben Franklin once said, "Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that the stuff life is made of."

I need to start taking my own advice. That's the hardest thing anyone can do, I think. I'm not trying to be cool and trendy with my bold/colored fonts and my line spacing. It's just easier to organize my thoughts this way. What's in bold is my advice to everyone (who will actually read this). I'm going to try and follow it the best that I can, but I know I'll let my feelings throw me off of the path every once in a while. No one can stay in line their entire life.

I'll end with this:

"Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow." --- Dorothy Thompson

The only reason this post has so many quotes is because the lesson of the night is to learn from not only your mistakes, but the mistakes of others.

(Yeah, it's been one Hell of an evening.)

Fri, 02 Mar 2007 17:02:03 GMT

Awesome.

Life isn't just about being alive.

Sat, 24 Feb 2007 16:38:08 GMT

It's funny how things turn out. Right now they don't seem like life is turning out how I want it to, but deep down I know it is. I know this isn't where the road ends. To be honest, I have no idea where the road ends, and I guess it's better that way. Life would be less exciting if I knew what to expect. Brandy and I had a talk last night and she informed me that we won't be dating when I leave for the army. I can't say that I blame her one bit, although I wish we could make things work between us. I know that we can't, though. I'm not going to lie, it hurts. This is the first girl I've ever dated that I actually have strong feelings for. She knows this, but she also knows that I'm not what she wants in the long run. I have to leave, though; we all have things we have to do. We all have our own crosses to bear. If I didn't have to leave, I wouldn't. I'd finish, find a decent job and a nice girl to settle down with. That last bit sounds like a joke right now, but I know that my time will come. They say that every dog has it's day, haha. Even though we won't be together forever, I'm going to make the most out of whatever time we have left. Someone told me the other day that life is what you make it, and for the first time ever, it was coming from a person who actually meant it - and that's what it took for it to finally sink into my head. What hurts the most is knowing that she'll forget me. All of you will forget me eventually. There's no denying it. I can't sit here and say that I'll always remember all of you. Ugh, I feel like such an asshole. I've wasted all of my time with my friends and family and Brandy. I'm sorry, I really am. I don't know what the in the Hell my problem is. I guess I had just never questioned my own mortality until now. I look to be throwing a party before I leave. A party to celebrate my leaving, haha. :-/ Jasmine found out that I'm joining. I wish she wouldn't talk about it as much as she does. I don't know what to say to her.

I guess I can let the cat out of the bag now... dad's sick and mom's not in good health herself. Dad has Hepatitis C and sclerosis of the liver and he's really not able to work. He's weak and always tired and they simply won't let him go back. He recently had his disability claim denied. If he can't work he'll lose the house, he'll lose everything he has. He's dying and I need to stop denying it. I don't want him to lose everything, and I know his constant worrying isn't helping his health at all. Mom needs to have her hip replaced and she's going to retire soon. Anyone who really knows me knows that my mom and I used to be homeless. She doesn't have any money and I have a little sister who's only 10 years old. My mother is in a constant struggle to provide. She works full time and works alot of overtime. She works a shitty factory job, and there really isn't anywhere else for her to go - plain and simple. I don't want my little sister to go through what I did. I don't want her to live in a car, or in a shelter. I don't want her to have to take community showers with a bunch of drunks (I know, not all homeless are drunks). When she retires all she will have is her social security, and I cannot possibly see how she and Chelsie could live off of that.

I know my parents haven't always been there for me. I haven't talked or heard from mom in 3 years. I hear about her from a friend who still lives in New York. I know dad never really had much to do with me while I was growing up. I had spent a couple of weeks with him while mom and dad were divorced and he had visited while we lived in Wyoming once, only because he was on a route through Cheyenne. They're not the best parents, but they're the only parents I have. They're really all I have. I have one aunt that lives in Ohio and one aunt that lives in Texas, too. Other than that, I don't have any family. Sure, I have cousins, but we're not really close. They live in Ohio too. I know whoever is reading this have people they would die for and I'm hoping they would understand. There are things bigger than myself. There are things that are top priority over my happiness. I guess that sounds kind of stupid, but it's how I feel.

We all know that life isn't fair. I think I deserve to be happy. I deserved a normal childhood and I think I deserve a normal adulthood as well. I don't feel very normal right now. I don't know what I feel like. I think I deserve to find someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them, but we don't always get what we deserve. I hope everyone ends up where they want to be. I've met a lot of way wonderful people down here and I really don't want to lose touch with any of them. I hope a few of you will write me. I'll be able to come home sometimes, but I know everyone has their own lives. I know you're all busy. It's a shame that we have all this time on earth, but it's hard for us to find the time to spend with loved ones.

I'm going to miss everyone. I won't be leaving for a while yet, but I need to start getting prepared and I wanted everyone to know. I'd like to spend some time with all of you before I leave too, and I guess this gives us time. I love you guys.

Travis, Rocky, Trevor, George, Joe, Nick, Josh, Josh, Kurtis, Jack, Kevin, Dann, Kyle, Asher, Murdok, Camillia, and everyone else.

Brandy, I love you. I know you don't really feel the same way and you still have feelings for a certain someone. I just hope you'll help me make our little bit of time together well spent. You mean alot to me. I've learned a lot from this, and I don't regret it.

Fri, 09 Feb 2007 05:19:26 GMT

Fuck it, you win.

I give up. I'm so sick of playing this little game. THAT is what's ridiculous.

In other news, I should have my cell phone turned back on tomorrow - but you shouldn't bother to go out of your way to call me. Actually, I know you won't bother.
I don't care what you want anymore. I'm through with giving you everything you ask for, only to have you act like you want nothing to do with me. Like I said previously, I give up. If you want something from me, earn it from me. Start treating me like I'm somebody, and not like I'm just around for favors.

Oh, p.s. New journal, add it or don't. I don't fucking care.

charlie_ware

Sun, 28 Jan 2007 05:24:19 GMT

I feel like imploding. :(((((((((((((((((((((( fuck.

Leave me numb, leave me jaded.
She's a dream, I just play dead.
I’ve been blessed, I’ve been hated.
She's the constant and I'm her addict.
She's the only peace in this world, uneasy.
While I bite my tongue to keep from breaking the heart that I’ve spent my whole life seeking.
The only heart I’ve ever needed.

Oh, but Lover. I’ve got Vices like any other man.
Vices that you’re not used to. Vices that’ll make you think...
Oh, but Lover. I’ve got Vices like any other man.
Vices that you’re not used to. Vices that’ll make you think less of me.
Less of me.

Fri, 26 Jan 2007 01:59:29 GMT

So, I'm in a pretty great fucking mood. It goes against everything that's been happening the last couple of days, but I guess all of that really doesn't matter to me anymore. School is too easy. I thought I'd have trouble in spanish, but I'm doing pretty damn well. I saw Camillia today at the Wal-Marts. Cammy, if you're reading this, we need to fucking hang out, seriously. I need to hang out with my friends more, this is for sure and it's something I plan on doing. I need to start working out again, I've kind of fallen away from it. I've still lost 13 lbs. in the two weeks I hadn't worked out, but I need to start working on toning my muscles more. I can see a huge difference in my biceps and it honestly turns me on. I'm going to start working on the chest, too. I need to lose these titties. I really don't understand people, but it doesn't matter because I'm starting to not want to understand.

I've just been invited to a party tomorrow night. Fuck. Yes. I'm ready to get wasted and motorboat some hooker's boobs.

I'm not really sure what else to say. Well, I could say some things but they're far too personal to post on here. Sorry, LJ.

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 15:48:41 GMT

I know I probably shouldn't do it as much as I do, but it's hard to help. I don't know why it's hard for people to break certain habits, especially when they're this bad for you. Right now I kind of feel like dying, but only for a little while. Until things smooth themselves out and I don't have to constantly worry anymore.

I don't really want this, but I do? I'm not sure. There are doors everywhere, I could easily take another one and chances are I'd be happier, but I'm always choosing the door that I know will shut in my face.

Sun, 21 Jan 2007 17:21:34 GMT

Yeah, I need to make some changes.

I can't believe I can be such an idiot sometimes. I can't believe I act so immature sometimes. I can't believe I'm so dull sometimes. I can't believe I keep letting her slip through my fingers.

Sat, 20 Jan 2007 22:43:14 GMT

So, let's talk.

So far I've lost 30 pounds since last semester and I'm pretty happy with myself, kind of. I actually have today off, it's unbelievable. I really had no idea until yesterday. I guess me and a bunch of people are going to hang out at Rocky's and get drunk. Well, I'll probably just watch them get drunk. Dad's kind of upset with me for not being home, so I figured I should probably come home tonight. The police are out everywhere and it really blows. I was pulled over last night. Apparently my turn signals stopped working, but I've fixed them.

~~I need something stable in my life. Something or someone I can always rely on, but that's seriously asking for way too much. It just doesn't work like that.~~
(nvm)

I buried Sadie today. She makes the 3rd animal that I've buried in the last couple of months. Pretty soon I'll have a pet cemetary.

Lust is stronger than like or love. Sad story, really.

Fri, 12 Jan 2007 03:05:42 GMT

No fighting on my LJ plz. thxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxu

Sat, 06 Jan 2007 17:45:38 GMT

I'm slowly falling away from all of my friends, and I have no one to blame but myself.

I've been such an asshole lately and I really don't know why. Well, I didn't realize I was being one until a few days ago. I used to be such a nice guy and I really don't know why I've changed. I know I can do better than this. I guess this could be my New Years resolution. That and to stop biting my nails.

I'm sorry.

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 12:39:43 GMT

I have nothing to complain about, so I don't know why I'm going to post in the LJ. Well, let me rephrase that: I have no one to complain about.

New Years was pretty awesome. I know I had a good time. I really regret not waiting in line to ride the mechanical bull. Fuck it, I'll ride a real bull. Only two more days of work and then I'll have my days off. I'm excited, but I really have nothing planned/nothing to do. I guess I could finish my book; I've been reading it for what seems like forever. I guess it's a pretty long book, though. I'm falling short of words because I have nothing to complain about. Does that make me a boring person? Probably so. No.

I hope you've all had a happy New Years and all that jazz.

Sun, 24 Dec 2006 14:29:35 GMT

Dear Kris Kringle,

I've been good. I can't say much for the others, because they've all been acting like jackasses (except Travis, Rocky, Camillia, and my new cat). Here's what I want for Christmas:

- To lose about 25 more pounds and gain more muscle
- For Wal-Mart to burn down for making me work on Christmas Eve, New Years eve, New Years day, and 8 days in a row after Christmas.
- For my car to stop being a Jew - you should definitely give me this, considering you HATE Jews anyways. (Jesus up, Jews down..right?)
- Stop crazy chicks from becoming attracted to me. Good lord, please. This is the last thing I need.
- Give people the power of entertainment. I'm sick of everyone being so boring. I know I'm boring sometimes, but atleast I want to get out and do something. It's just hard to get anyone to follow along.

Here are some of the really important things that I NEED:

- A hot wife (mostly to score on my life insurance policy when I die in Iraq)
- Let the government draft all able bodied men when I die - so everyone who has mocked me over the past few months can burn in Hell right beside me.
- I'd like to get laid a time or two before I die... by someone with a vagina please. Even if it has to be one of the crazy chicks mentioned above. This will probably be the hardest thing to do, and if you can't make it happen then I understand. No hard feelings, Santa.

Cash would be nice too.

Sincerely,
Charlie

Sat, 23 Dec 2006 17:46:00 GMT

Ugh, another wasted day. Well, I've finally decided on the tattoo that I'm going to get. I won't say anything about it on here, I'll just wait until I get it and then I'll post pictures. I can't wait until the holidays are over. I seriously dislike them. I'd like to do something on New Years, but chances are I'll be sitting right here at my computer staring at my bumpy walls waiting for someone to respond on MSN, because most of the assholes on my friends list seem to ignore me. Which is why I've deleted a bunch of them. I am a crazy-women magnet, I swear. Maybe that's why they like me? They're fucking nuts, haha. Look behind the glass in your mouth. It's what I am due for. I'm not looking forward to after Christmas. They have me working 8 days in a row. I do get the 4th and 5th off, though (that's a Thursday and a Friday). So I'm down with that, but I know I'll only end up wasting them. I always waste my days off. I'm not saying that spending time with my friends is wasteful, but I want to do something exciting. I know that asking for excitement while I'm still in this town is kind of pointless. If someone wants to do something that Thursday or Friday let me know. Well, I'm going downstairs to work out.

In the wake of all the terror and the Hell, I am constantly reminded of the crosses that I bear.

Fri, 22 Dec 2006 05:30:04 GMT

I am the happiest I've been in months.

Thank you. =D

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 03:23:48 GMT

So, tonight I've realized that I am completely fucking crazy. My logic is ridiculous when I look back on it. I really do blow everything way out of proportion. At the time it seems reasonable, but when I look back on it... I seriously wonder what in the hell I was thinking. Ugh, I'm crazy. Well, step one to curing it is admitting it., ha.

They shouldn't give me a gun...

....but I know they will, haha.

Anyways, tomorrow I'm going into the recruiting office to see if I'm physically fit enough to sign up now. Seargent Hensley said that by looking at me he believed I'd be alright. I'm going in tomorrow to find out for sure, that'd be nice if I've already met my goal. I still have another five months or so anyways.

Ugh, I'm sorry.

and I'm sorry that sorry doesn't really cut it.

The trail of crumbs you left somehow got lost along the way..

Tue, 19 Dec 2006 07:39:37 GMT

....If you never meant to leave, then you only had to stay.

And if strength is born from heartbreak
Many mountains I could move
And if walls could speak I’d pray
That they would tell me what to do

If you see me, please just walk on by, walk on by.
Forget my name and I’ll forget it too.
Failed attempts at living simple lives, simple lives,
Always keep me coming back to you.

Though this song has nothing to do with what I'm using it for, it fits so perfectly.

I'm done, I'm going to be happy.

Sun, 17 Dec 2006 15:36:57 GMT

So, I had another dream. This one wasn't crazy or anything, it was just depressing and infuriating.

So, I'm excited about tomorrow.   My days off, asdflkajfdlakjfsldflgiwqonvoijfasldkfjlkjasfdljlllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllyeah.   It's going to be awesome. I've felt like shit all week and really haven't ran a whole lot, I hope I lost at least a little weight, haha. I have to go tomorrow and weigh in and I'm going to start trying a new pill. I really wish I'd start feeling better. I'm definately going to give my room a good cleaning sometime tomorrow morning. I also have to return one of the Christmas gifts that I've bought. I bought Mitchell the same thing that dad got him last year, and his mom took it away from him because she's kind of a bitch. OHOHOHOHOHOHOH, also I get to hang out with Camillia tomorrow, that'll be pretty awesome. We're going to go eat mexican and then who knows what. There really isn't a whole lot to do in Middlesboro. :-/   I really don't think any good movies are playing either.

Maybe I'll just make bring guitar hero II and some chips and she can watch me play while I make out with my girlfriends.   Yeah, girlfriend-S. Plural. ; ) Gah, I wish. I'd never be that lucky. Wait, scratch that. I meant to say "gah, I'll never be that rich." I guess I could go into that little Pineville ghetto with a handful of pills and come out with an army of prostitutes.

Ok, starting to ramble. Anyways, I don't have that many plans for my day off. I'm hoping to go play basketball with some friends on Tuesday.   Hmm, certain things have suddenly lost their luster. Eh, knowing me I'll feel completely different about it tomorrow or even later tonight. I'm such a woman when it comes to shit like this, I swear. :-/