Uhhr, Happy Easter, guys.

Oh, what a week it's been.  Not good, not bad, so so?  Anyways, my family is in from Ohio for the next couple of days and that's pretty cool, I guess.   They're getting ready to go to Gatlinburg.  I'd love to go, but I have to be at work at 2 o'clock.  My cousin Spencer has grown a shit load.  I hadn't seen him for about two years.  I'd say he's grown atleast 2 feet or so, he's taller than I am.  I love sitting with my family; Aunt Bobby has so many stories to tell about me and I love to hear them.  I know that sounds self-centered, but I like to hear about stuff I don't remember.  Well, sometimes, there are some things that kind of depressed me when I heard them.  I don't remember it, but it kind of hurts to hear.  Anyways, tomorrow's payday and I'm fucking ready for it.  I have a buck-twenty-five in the bank right now and that's bad.  I'm about to go walking with Joe, Megan and Meredith.  I'm really happy for Joe, he's lost a lot of weight already.  

I want a cigarette.  Bad.  But I'm not.  I need to quit again and I will quit again.  It's not hard to say no, but it's hard to talk yourself out of talking yourself into it, haha.  My favorite excuse is when you talk yourself into it saying:  I've done so well so far, I think I deserve one.


Ugh, everything can be so lame sometimes.  Atleast I'm trying to be a friend?  It's hard, but I think I'm doing a decent job.  It's not like I'm making it a chore or anything.  Eh, I know what I mean.  It's hard for me not to feel bad about it even though I really shouldn't care at all.  Stupid.

Well, time to get ready. It's going to be one lame day.

Current Mood: okay
Current Music: Can't Stop, Gotta Date With Hate

Booze and Charlie don't really mix all that well, but that's alright.  Last night was pretty fun.  Atleast what I can recall.  I'm sure I made an ass out of myself, awesome.  Mom called for me this morning.  I really need to call her back but I'm not sure what to say to her.  I mean, sure, I haven't talked to her in forever so you think I'd have something to say to her... but I don't.  I really don't want to talk to her right now for some reason.  I dunno, I'll consider doing it sometime tonight.  It's been an odd day and I'm going to find something to do.

Jesus, I can't get to sleep.  I'm jittery as fuck.  I've been laying around my room all night listening to Kenny Wayne Shepherd.  To be completely honest, I believe he's my favorite musician ever.  Yes, Glassjaw has been replaced.  Wow, I never thought I'd say that.   Which is seriously a big deal, considering Glassjaw has been my favorite band for almost 7 years.  Well, anyways, I obviously can't sleep.  I guess I have things on my mind.  Nothing depressing, just things.  I'm pretty excited about tonight.  I know I'll have a good time.  Talked to an old friend tonight for a while, it was pretty awesome.  It's a shame that I've parted ways with so many incredible people, but we all have our own busy lives and we're all self-absorbed.  I guess it's just human nature.  I've never been nervous while hugging someone before until tonight.  It was seriously strange, it was just a hug, right? Considering the person I guess I had a reason to be nervous, lol.   I'm crazy as fuck sometimes.  It's a wonder they're going to give me a rifle, haha.  I have two months left before I go to basic.  The time is flyin'.  I'm excited and nervous at the same time.  It's going to be rough as Hell, but I'm going to gain so much from it.  Also, on a brighter note I'll come back in shape and I'm sure I'll have a nice tan, haha.  I'll tan or my skin will melt off.  I can only imagine how hot it's going to be outside.  Georgia.  June.  Damn.  I decided to write this after my third attempt of sleep.  My alarm clock has already went off for the time I was wanting to wake up, but I seriously need some sleep.  I have a looooong night ahead of me. ;-)  Family from Ohio is coming in Friday and I'm pretty happy about that.  My cousin Spencer is coming with them and I haven't seen him in years.  He's only 13 or 14 and he's already 6'2'' or 6'3''.  I know he's going to try and fight me (playfully).  I can't wait to knock him on his ass.  Well, I'm really on here just killing time because no one worth a fuck is online and I'm bored out of my mind.  





I'm having a "Charlie, Try Not To Get Shot" going away get together sometime in May, you assholes better come.  There won't be any drinking or anything, just a cookout or something.




(Can't wait until I'm dictator of the army k thx u!)





Edit:  OH, AND FOR THOSE WHO DON'T KNOW -  I shaved my beard and it's kind of a big deal.  I've had the same beard for three years.

Current Location: wishing it were 10 o'clock Saturday night. =D
Current Mood: wishing I was sleepy.

I hear what you say.  You used to have a good man, baby, but you threw it all away.  

No, you didn't.


What a way to end things, don't you think?  I'm sure you do.  I pray to God you don't regret it.

Current Mood: disappointed

I'm just counting the time - a little more than two months.  I'm bored.  300 was an excellent movie, really.  Lady luck is by my side right now, which probably means I'll be catching a bullet in my chest sometime next year.    The weekend was pretty decent.  We had a party at Rocky's, but I stayed sober.  I think we're having another one this weekendddddd, which owns.  I think I'm going to invite a certain someone, lol. ;-)  I'm so ready for tomorrow.  Hopefully things will turn out the way I want them to.    Hopefully I can also get my window fixed, it'd be nice.  I'm also going walking with Megan, Meredith, and Jesse at noon.  I need to start losing more weight, I need to stop being lazy and stop using depression as an excuse.  

I'm tired of people.  I'm tired of idiots.   Some people just never learn, but that's really not my problem.  I don't know why I thought I should.  I've also kind of lost a friend today, but that's not my problem either.

Oh, and.........

 
  (My little sister, Jasmine)

New fourwheeler, k thxiez.





You won't believe what I'm about to do.  =o

Life has never been sweeter.   I don't have anything else to say besides thattttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt.  It's crazy how life can flip itself around like that, lol.

Nights like these make you reevaluate your entire life.  We all have troubles, and we all feel like nobody will understand.   They do, for the most part... to a certain extent.  No one else has lived your (or my) life, no one else has been in our shoes completely.  If they tried them on for a day, it would leave their feet blistered.

It's sad to think that it took the splattering of my best friend's blood on my jeans to realize how much they all mean to me.   I guess I've taken them for granted, and that's God damned stupid.  My priorities are shuffled into a big mix and I need to sort them out.  I'm shutting dad out of my life.  I'm not spending much time with him; as much time as I should before I leave.  It's funny to think that, because he's a big part of the reason I'm leaving.  I'll never understand the human condition and I don't think I really want to.  

Even though the night erupted into chaos, the result was something we all needed.   We all needed reality checks.  There are so many of 'life's lessons' that contradict themselves, and it's no wonder everyone is confused.

Life is what you make it.
It's not about what you had, it's about what you have.
How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.
If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change.
Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile.
To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.

There are too many to try and remember.  I'm not sure who said all of these things, I know there is one from Buddha and Albert Einstein.  I'm sure the people who spoke the words could care less about the credit, but I'm sure they do care that their words are taken to heart.

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.

Robert Frost.  I cannot stress that line enough.  Feeling sorry for yourself and dwelling in the past is only going to keep you in the past.  I don't know about all of you, but I don't want to be in the past 5 years from now.  It might sound crazy to you guys, but I know what I'm talking about.


Don't reach keep reaching out for something that doesn't want to be held by you. You'll be wasting your time. Good old Ben Franklin once said, "Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that the stuff life is made of." 



I need to start taking my own advice.  That's the hardest thing anyone can do, I think.  I'm not trying to be cool and trendy with my bold/colored fonts and my line spacing.  It's just easier to organize my thoughts this way.  What's in bold is my advice to everyone (who will actually read this).  I'm going to try and follow it the best that I can, but I know I'll let my feelings throw me off of the path every once in a while.  No one can stay in line their entire life.


I'll end with this:

"Courage, it would seem, is nothing less than the power to overcome danger, misfortune, fear, injustice, while continuing to affirm inwardly that life with all its sorrows is good; that everything is meaningful even if in a sense beyond our understanding; and that there is always tomorrow."  --- Dorothy Thompson


The only reason this post has so many quotes is because the lesson of the night is to learn from not only your mistakes, but the mistakes of others. 



(Yeah, it's been one Hell of an evening.)

Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: The Showdown

Awesome.

 It's funny how things turn out.  Right now they don't seem like life is turning out how I want it to, but deep down I know it is.   I know this isn't where the road ends.  To be honest, I have no idea where the road ends, and I guess it's better that way.  Life would be less exciting if I knew what to expect.   Brandy and I had a talk last night and she informed me that we won't be dating when I leave for the army.  I can't say that I blame her one bit, although I wish we could make things work between us.  I know that we can't, though.  I'm not going to lie, it hurts.  This is the first girl I've ever dated that I actually have strong feelings for.  She knows this, but she also knows that I'm not what she wants in the long run.  I have to leave, though;  we all have things we have to do.  We all have our own crosses to bear.  If I didn't have to leave, I wouldn't.   I'd finish, find a decent job and a nice girl to settle down with.   That last bit sounds like a joke right now, but I know that my time will come.  They say that every dog has it's day, haha.  Even though we won't be together forever, I'm going to make the most out of whatever time we have left.   Someone told me the other day that life is what you make it, and for the first time ever, it was coming from a person who actually meant it - and that's what it took for it to finally sink into my head.  What hurts the most is knowing that she'll forget me.  All of you will forget me eventually.   There's no denying it.  I can't sit here and say that I'll always remember all of you.   Ugh, I feel like such an asshole.  I've wasted all of my time with my friends and family and Brandy.  I'm sorry, I really am.  I don't know what the in the Hell my problem is.  I guess I had just never questioned my own mortality until now.  I look to be throwing a party before I leave.  A party to celebrate my leaving, haha.  :-/   Jasmine found out that I'm joining.   I wish she wouldn't talk about it as much as she does.  I don't know what to say to her.

 

I guess I can let the cat out of the bag now... dad's sick and mom's not in good health herself.  Dad has Hepatitis C and sclerosis of the liver and he's really not able to work.  He's weak and always tired and they simply won't let him go back.  He recently had his disability claim denied.   If he can't work he'll lose the house, he'll lose everything he has.  He's dying and I need to stop denying it.   I don't want him to lose everything, and I know his constant worrying isn't helping his health at all.   Mom needs to have her hip replaced and she's going to retire soon.  Anyone who really knows me knows that my mom and I used to be homeless.  She doesn't have any money and I have a little sister who's only 10 years old.  My mother is in a constant struggle to provide.  She works full time and works alot of overtime.   She works a shitty factory job, and there really isn't anywhere else for her to go - plain and simple.  I don't want my little sister to go through what I did.  I don't want her to live in a car, or in a shelter.  I don't want her to have to take community showers with a bunch of drunks (I know, not all homeless are drunks).  When she retires all she will have is her social security, and I cannot possibly see how she and Chelsie could live off of that.  

I know my parents haven't always been there for me.  I haven't talked or heard from mom in 3 years.  I hear about her from a friend who still lives in New York.  I know dad never really had much to do with me while I was growing up.  I had spent a couple of weeks with him while mom and dad were divorced and he had visited while we lived in Wyoming once, only because he was on a route through Cheyenne.  They're not the best parents, but they're the only parents I have.  They're really all I have.  I have one aunt that lives in Ohio and one aunt that lives in Texas, too.  Other than that, I don't have any family.  Sure, I have cousins, but we're not really close.   They live in Ohio too.  I know whoever is reading this have people they would die for and I'm hoping they would understand.   There are things bigger than myself.  There are things that are top priority over my happiness.  I guess that sounds kind of stupid, but it's how I feel.

We all know that life isn't fair.  I think I deserve to be happy.  I deserved a normal childhood and I think I deserve a normal adulthood as well.   I don't feel very normal right now.  I don't know what I feel like.  I think I deserve to find someone who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them, but we don't always get what we deserve.   I hope everyone ends up where they want to be.  I've met a lot of way wonderful people down here and I really don't want to lose touch with any of them.  I hope a few of you will write me.  I'll be able to come home sometimes, but I know everyone has their own lives.  I know you're all busy.  It's a shame that we have all this time on earth, but it's hard for us to find the time to spend with loved ones. 

 

I'm going to miss everyone.  I won't be leaving for a while yet, but I need to start getting prepared and I wanted everyone to know.  I'd like to spend some time with all of you before I leave too, and I guess this gives us time.  I love you guys.

 

Travis, Rocky, Trevor, George, Joe, Nick, Josh, Josh, Kurtis, Jack, Kevin, Dann, Kyle, Asher, Murdok, Camillia, and everyone else.

 

Brandy, I love you.  I know you don't really feel the same way and you still have feelings for a certain someone.  I just hope you'll help me make our little bit of time together well spent.  You mean alot to me.  I've learned a lot from this, and I don't regret it.